worn_and_torn

By taking such action in your life that I realized I need to do the same.

Optimistic Update TIME!

+ Joe said we can get a puppy (best christmas gift ever)
+ Semester is almost over, I might pass all of my classes.
+ I am slowly getting off of all of my medication. (Probably not too good, but I want to try)
+ I got a new apartment!, no longer homeless! That month sucked.
+ Loving boyfriend
+ Dad bought me a new 1300 dollar car
+ dyed my hair dark again
+ I want to make a permanent change in my life...





I really need to do something impulsive soon or I am going to burst.

I am tired of not being pretty enough
being skinny enough
eating first like a fat ass.

not having the skills at video games
or knowing what to say.
im tired of being singled out and belonging in last place.

I am tired of the the condescending looks when I am just trying to have fun and be happy.


Im really tired of that.

I am tired of being forgotten and everything around and between.

Its been the same thing since I was a kid.
I cant socialize, I am not meant to have friends.


I wish I would have killed myself when i was twelve years old, everyone would be better off.

It really sucks. I want to live by myself. On the beach. with a cup of coffee. and a dog. so that noone can ever make me feel bad again.


I am so fucking tired of feeling like this.

medication doesnt help-- fuck you dr. joye.

If you were to ask anyone-- whats one thing christina is good at?

nothing.
I am not good at anything.
You dont want to be around me.
Im not like those 'other' people, and I just want to be alone.

I wish I could escape out of my bedroom window, jump to my car and go to the beach. I want to jump off of the pier with all of my clothes on and feel my body go numb, spiraling down to the ocean floor.


the waves tossing over my head and salt rushing through my brain. Stinging, burning and violent rips of water singe my skin; and its beautiful.


and its beautiful, forever.

1008 am.

My boyfriend is rustling in the covers behind me

A bowl sits charred, waiting for my flame.

And I have to go to a psych appointment in less than an hour.


Class today- Florida tmmw., hopefully.


My old boss told me to only watch out for myself. Not to think about my friends or anything else going on


Focus on myself and accomplishments will follow.
Life doesnt stop for anyone, so why bother stressing?


It doesnt take you anywhere.


So from this point on, I am going to keep bettering myself and just let life follow.

Leave DBT. I dont like it. I dont need it. and I dont want other people helping find the right way for me to live.

trial and error, just like everyone else.
Just because my brain doesnt work the exact same way doesnt mean that I deserve any special treatment.
(homework: breathing exercises)
Im good.



I wanna feel. Not be a clone.


Midterm today. English. Ive barely studied but I think that I will still do well. I am kinda excited for it actually.

Joe is working his first day at work. He went to jail this past thursday and have a couple felonies and misdemeanors on him, but I think hell make it without time.
Everything will be okay as long as we have each other.


good nuggets are back in town. A job is becoming easier by the day and more and more boring.


Cady and Patrick are my best friends here. Me and joe are working on making normal friends. Maybe when he goes to work hell find people that like him and we can be friends. I know it sounds gay, but were both pretty bad at making friends and keeping them... so its our new goal together.

I dont need DBT if I have him. Ill be good, I guess tmmw will be my last day.

Welbutrin... best thing in the world. Except it doesnt last long enough and I get sleepy and dead by 6pm....
but my relationship is getting better.

This weekend. Private farm party in bumfuck egypt nc.
It was fun, saw some friends. Ate mushrooms with joe and tripped my tits off. Very visual. Colors everywhere. A kaliedascope visualizer alternate reality in our tent; it was pretty. A good escape.

Hallucinogens are the best drug you can spend your money on. If only people knew the escape when you peak into that alternate reality..........its better than any other high.

But yeah. what else is going on? Im already back to doing shitty in my classes.
Therapy.. I dont know if I want it. If its for me. I feel weird talking in there. I dont tell my psychiatrists what I really do because it makes me feel good when they are proud of me... and I am getting better. but. ugh
I dont fucking know.


School this week. My mom wants me to come and visit. I wish joe would get a job and go to school. It sucks to be in a relationship that your parents comdemn.

I guess thats it. I thought I had homework to do but.. I dont. Time to go get stoned with my friends and my boyfriend. I could study for my test tmmw morning... but I already know im going to fail, so whats the point?

blah blah blah


figgy diggy

blah blah.




life and perspective is changing so quick that it hurts. Its like relearning everything youve learned in your life.

That there was someone on this site who was so much like me


that we became best friends through our secrets.

I want to be so honest with someone that it hurts, and have them care.

I want to care about them.


Its not like i dont have normal friends, or an amazing man I can share this with....


For once, it would be nice to not judge, or be judged.


-----

I have had nightmares since Joe has been gone. Its really sucked.


Today I woke up crying I think.

I looked up the meanings of what I have had in my dreams... and I keep wanting to post them here so that I never forget.


but every time I open up a tab, I realize that I want to forget.

Im finally going to smoke a tiny bit tonight. im pretty pumped. I am going to save it for the day time though.

I dont have much now that im not in greensboro, and its not dank.


so whats the point? I havent been this sober, for this long... since I was 12.

Call the doctors---> but its kinda nice. I still love smoking pot though.

mushrooms are nice.

whippits are good-it creates bass. and I love bass.

thats about all I want. ever again.

Ive done all the rest. fuck it. its all shitty.

My love
You are the center of my life.
the dearest friend and lover there could be.

When all the world is crazy and confusing, you are my calm.
and my serenity.


I look into you eyes and I find my soulmate.
I hear your voice and I never feel alone.

Beside you, I believe in love unending
And feel the deepest joy I've ever known.

giving up yourself to make your love happy.


being selfishly selfless.


I love him.

forever.

I vow to never put methamphetamine into my body.
for now.



I can never promise myself that I won't do anything. i love getting high. and I love getting new highs. I love a chemical high (dont tell joe) but the reasons why I dont want us doing drugs... is selfishly so I dont go crazy again. I dont want him to go crazy again.


god what I wouldnt give.

mmm.


sniffsnifftotheface.



Old Crow Medicine Show kills me. why do I put myself through these habits. and cravings.

I am making it hard on myself. I always make it harder on myself, maybe because


whoa

i think I just figured it out.Maybe.
nope.

Ive always made it hard on myself. even when I was 4 and I would go to sleep crying because I thought I was a horrible daughter.

they didnt know what I was doing when I was 8.
tagging neighborhood driveways the best I could, stealing from wallets-from stores-from peoples birthday packages they would get in the mail..
Doing things i don't have the pride to say.


Ive always made my life so difficult.
I need to learn not to.

fuckassshitgoddamn. :(

so much in my life is changing. I wish joe realized how much I am going through, its for the good, but I am still going through it.

He doesnt know how confused I am because hes lived this way his entire life. i havent. And I am learning over what took me 18 years to perfect, in three months.

I wish he saw how much I let him direct our relationship. He says I dont do anything for him, I let him direct every day so that he can get what he needs to accomplished. Ive been on a ride the entire time. I love it completely and his life has made mine so much better... but I wish that he would appreciate that, at least once.


I wish that he could step back from his life. Realize that I am his fiance. and that every action takes a toll on his body. I dont want a blind husband who is poisoned to the point of no return. I have you for the rest of my life, I want to save you. I have never felt the desire to need to keep someone healthy with me, so that we can be together forever.

Its beautiful.


when I told that to him, he said well... should I eat this mushroom chocolate now, or later?

It just sucks.

Im re-realizing how much poison is in drugs. I was fine with blow because I was really getting pure ass fishscale. It was made form a plant. just like weed. but crazy shit?
Its affecting your brain and you are only getting jacked because it is literally paralyzing your brain.

I want to keep his brain forever. Have a house in wilmington with a shed converted into a glass shop. I want three kids, one much younger than the others. I want to have my artist venue/cafe and I want my baby to spin records there on friday nights. I want to learn how to blow glass and have a big hammock hanging in our front yard overlooking historic wilmington.

That is my dream and he is the only person I could see living it out.
I want to teach him how to surf and go out in the early mornings when we cant sleep.
I want a BIG beautiful dog to cuddle with us, and I never want to stop smoking weed.

I want to have our wedding at duke gardens and I want to have a bouquet of sunflowers, and a simple floor length dress. I havent decided on shoes or not yet. :) Its a good idea for now though.

I want our girls name to be delilah or scarlet jones mathews.

that is beautiful.
I want him so bad, how does he not see how his present affects his future? I dont get it. he doesnt plan for the future. Cant he see that now he is actually with a girl who has?

I want to get a farm once we get more money, a cheap one, either in Nc or.... if were really rich, Canada. If we could keep our beach house and rent it when were not there... thatd be incredible.

We need a Jeep Wrangler. and a more work style car. we need to fix his credit and get everything straightened out.

I dont know what a prenup is but everyone says not to sign one...so i wont.


I really hope he succeeds this time, and doesnt let me down. Ive promised all of his family and mine, and told them I put all of myself into you.


Please dont let me down baby. I love yo u.



I feell ike im talking to him. hahaha.

ugh.

more old crow.

hes ok.

im ok.


we have rings.

hell be in my life forever.

im so happy.

I dont know what to do. He doesnt want me to eat any more ambien, but I think it unravels myself.

I find out my core. or my craziness.
I dont want to break up with him

why did I say that?

these pills arent my life.
why am I so dependant.


Im so angry.
Im so overwhelemed.

well I was over whelmed when I was originally going to write about but now I just want to get high.

I need to get high.
I have some ruphies I have some ambien.

I want tonight to be crazy.
crazy by myself.

but he told me not to so I cant...

hes doing alot right now

he ate benzos

who knows what else he ate.
he ate ruphies. not benzos.

hes gone and he promised hed call me when he was on the road.
I said Id hope so
and he hasnt called me.

I hope hes okay.
I just hope everything is okay.

what if he isnt? I feel that he is but there is always a chance. he would have called me by now but what if there was an accident??? Im on the verge of tears.
He said to be prepared to not hear from him for a while. Its just so hard. I havent been letting myself think about it but now I just got flooded. They had alot! of shit on them. What if they got caught?

what if he got robbed?Im so scared.

Im so scared.

I dont feel safe unless Im in his arms. unless hes in mine.
I crave his warmth and energy flooding out of his body and into mine. Its orgasmic for my soul. My fingertips race his skin and I feel his positive energy. I feel our fate. It is mind blowing. Something that you dont believe exists until you find it.
Until you find your soulmate.

this is my personaljournal.

Im done lying
this is completely true.
and I love it.


I love him.


I wish he was here.

maybe I wont get fucked up tonight.

I love him.

smoking DMT hopefully when he gets back. Thatd be fun to try. :)

Why is it the only thing that I can do when I come home. is get fucked up on something by myself.
and write
how isolated do I make myself.
how much of my pain have I brought upon, myself.
myself.
its pathetic.
amphetamine salts are in my kitchen. and they will be for a very long time.

maybe ill check em out tmmw. I hope that they smell good.

im so bored.
so fucking bored.
now i remember why I used to get geeked
it gave me something to do
I just ate a couple ambien and watched a movie about murder and kush? aha.
it was kinda funny.

So this weird thing happened to me. something that I never thought that would. I fell in love. its not like any kind of love... its the astrological, mind reading true for each other kind of fate love. it scares me when I really think about it. I never planned on meeting 'him' until I was way older. I wanted to take care of myself first before I joined paths with someone else... I guess fate has its own way and I have no problem with it. I love him. love, love, love. his family thinks were married. I dont terribly hate that either. My friends think that we are married. I dont terribly hate that either. I kinda like it. My guy friends treat me better, with more respect. I love him. Everything about him. I could go through hell with him, and trust that everything would be okay because we had each other's strength. He saved my life so much more than he knows. He doesnt seem to have any confidence... not like I ever understood that word, its jsut what I feel. I want to build it. I crave to build it because he deserves it. fuck. im fucked. im fucked in love. I hope he feels the same. thats all i hope.


I got surgery last week. I practically stopped smoking weed, im broke. All of the money I saved is gone, and once joe can pay me back - after everyone else, i do hope- I will be smokin right. Until then... im fucked and im back at home and I have no more independence. No more ability to drive or gas in the car, shitty percosets, and a kitten who won't even look me in the eye.
great

fucking fabulous

you know what christina, youve really gone a long way-dont believe me?
last january you were sniffing coke in the back of a crack head named Rezz's minivan, parked at his trailer at 1 am... just over the tracks. You were sitting in a morning lit bedroom, draped and covered in silks and dark fabrics plotting your next house with your main girl. If that didnt work you were out shoplifting hundreds of dollars from every store. You worked retail to steal. You became a waitress to hustle for legal money. Selling food is just like selling drugs and I have done that since I lost my 100% memory.
I remember the night I met rezz. They called me hollywood. Clever. I sat on his lap and he told me how beautiful I was as I sniffed bumps off of his dirty-scratched up tray. We grabbed our lady and I grabbed their numbers. i always got those kinds of peoples numbers bc I figured they could come in handy.
A year and a half later I was pushing roll pills and met this black guy driving down the street who just murdered someone. He gave me a hug and his number and told me he had his high and hed get anyone I wanted. That night I got spun out of my mind and hallucinated dead people. flooding the ceiling. you got robbed that night. All of that work, and you were robbed. Did you forget about that? yeah... I did. My bad.
I got straight for about a month then I met these guys who I told I was the fuckin shit. I played myself up so much that they were giving me 8 balls to sniff with my friends of some fucking fishscale.

I never made one sale from them.

but for a couple weeks. I was their white girl. I put myself up for grabs, and I am lucky that noone took me. Two days into the heat I met him. And I never left his side.

Before that it was all just insanity. This obsession with raves when I was 14 and didnt even know what real x was. This obsession with satan at the age of 12 and all of this dark poetry flooding out of my brain. I was lying, lying everywhere and about everything. It made my life more interesting. What about when you were 11 and you were pretending to be possessed just to scare your friends... You used to threaten them with butcher knifes, saying that you were possessed by satan and you were going to kill them. I never did, thankfully. I truly felt possessed then. Weak.
Weakness.
how about when you were 8 and you were looking at rachels naked body comparing it to yours. She was your first kiss. You started stealing from people and stores. You stole from a church at age 10 and a mother at age 8.

In the 6th grade I had so much money I was giving it to kids. I was ripping it up and throwing it in the air and watching other kids scramble to tape up the pieces. I stole all of it from my brothers tip stash. He worked hard for that money, I probably owe him alot.

Every bone in my foot is currently broken and I have no money, no job, I cant leave my house and I have no honest friends here. Can someone please end this chaotic tunnel of hell.

why cant I be lost with him in the mushroom infested fields. Eating our hearts content.

Your life story.. you didnt once write about the other joe, or think about him. hell yeah :) finally over him. I found my soulmate, and with him I do believe that everything is possible. together.


anything is possible <3.

Three days later; snoopies, mushrooms, Obama heads (both red and green), Transformers and the rest of the skittles in between. I was spinning. I was faced. I was rolling deeper then ever before. "You want more ecstasy?" followed every 45 minute marker through the night. Take off your shirt, Can you unhook your bra and keep it up? Let me get the lotion. Can I rub your shoulders. The sounds of Pretty Lights flooded my ears and the bass thumped my body through the night. Nine hours of sleep in three days of not eating, dancing, teeth grinding, and hypersensitivity. On the second day we went to get more beans at Your House Diner. The car ride was treacherous, we knew we were both on way too many drugs. I felt nauseous and the wind from the window couldn't cool down my body. Lets go inside. I open the door and drop. I dropped deep down to the ground with a thud and I woke up to my boyfriend and all of the towns nurses towering over me. Screaming my name. "Has she been on any drugs?'" "No," he replied, "She drank a little bit last night but that is all." I was in trouble. I guess this is where I stood back up and passed right back out, still in the entrance of Your House Diner. They called the hospital. "I don't have insurance, I'm fine" I tried to convince. By the time this conversation had happened, they had took me to the bathroom and I hit the wall and fell back to the ground. Im sweating, shaking, face is flushed and my world is spinning. Nothing makes sense and I have no control over my body. I'm scared. I feel sick. "can I take her into the bathroom?" "she can't stand up" replied a nurse. "I feel sick." and the nurse then told me to throw up in the corner and she would clean it up, I suggested (or maybe he did) to grab a trash can. I don't remember vomiting but it must have happened. I lay there with cold towels draping my body and glass of water and my stories of how I didn't eat and I didn't take my medicine and exams are over, I must have had an anxiety attack. The ambulance arrives and three men come in to talk to me and check my vitals. They're making me a grilled cheese as these questions arise of drug use, medicine, eating habits, family history, my zip code, and everything else that I wasn't actually much conscious for. I told them I always shake. I have tremors. They bought it after they checked my blood sugar which was at 53, a low level that often requires hospitalization. "We're taking you to the hospital." "I don't have insurance, money or the ability. Please, Im fine" "Sign this computer to say that you chose not to come with us." I signed, you can't read it. I was slowly carried to the chair close by and was given my grilled cheese, a sprite, orange juice and this disgusting glass of water. I am still rolling deeper than before. 30 minutes later I finish the grilled cheese and figure out what happened from my boyfriend. He got more ecstasy, but I could have none of it. No more drugs stored into my body. The longer we stayed in there the more I sweat and got sick and felt terrible. I was on drugs. I waited in the car with max AC while he met up wit his girl and got some more beans. We drive back, but I don't remember that either. I got out of the car and into a bed. I passed out every time I stood up and was fed pita with peanut butter, rice pilaf, apple cider and more water than I could dream of. My boyfriend was taking care of me. I felt loved. I wanted to cry all day for happiness. Maybe it was the lack of serotonin in my system or all of the other hallucinogens that intoxicated my body. I wanted to cry, and sometimes I did, but it was when I couldn't control it. I passed out again and was moved to a chair. They brought me weed inside and kept me company while I felt like I was dying. He almost killed me, and then he saved my life. He told me he would help me shower so that I didn't pass out, and it was sincere. He told me he loved me, that I shouldn't be scared and people have taken care of him like this many times. We're family. I love drugs, but I love him more.

Scratch one more off the list, daddy.

Im going to hell tonight.
----------------------------------


So. I picked out my future place of residence... Im going deeper than ever before and I am doing it for knowledge of strength.



Yeahcrackcrackcrack.Yeah.


Im going to hell tonight.

So I was trying to be more drug free, detox.

I was trippin harddd last night until I passed out. haha.


Thats what I wrote and I still have no ideae where that first entry came from.

it really does creep me out.


I feel like it was probably just my subconscious.

but its still super creepy.


I wish I could post a video of me on here. trippin.

I was having so many conversations with people that werent there.

its great.

Im in a room where the wind is only blowing west...Did youuuiiioi

my eyes fee very wet and ascrdggydsbcx

kind laike that.
and it sucks.


yes hunnie your stuff is fine
I have how wavy it is. dont you dare
i dont ge ti it
how is he going to pay for it.i


BILLSBILLLBSILLLLS#$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$




im oing so far awawy but I wantf you know

I mwN. SO WELL. LDKV,CMB,VLKJSKAJSOO WELL.

sorry.youre daughtern can noot go to the beach triiiiiipeefnnnnno n

thats my initial stories.... so for some reason of obscruiy

Good try!


Its the thought that counts!

You have balls.



nooooooottttttt quite.


I just wanna fucking succeed in one thing and not be that pity person.

Last night, he invited me out and I went. Allie was there for a little while and left at 1... he invited me out and didnt say one word in my direction.

Completely ignores me and I don't understand it. Ive never felt so used like that. I get fucked up for free, hes a gentlemen, but he fucking ignores me.

My roommates a bitch, she's so selfish, closeminded and inconsiderate. My best friend here is so ungrateful.

I want to go to the beach, and I need to go to the beach.

"christina I cant sleep can I have a pill?"
"christina I am having an anxiety attack"

im fucking done.
Im done being the girl who is walked over. It hurts. I am being more sensitive so that I will get hurt less but it doesnt fucking happen.
I have bad fucking luck. Im not letting anyone in unless they fight for it, and who would?
I probably will be alone all of my life and I am personally fine with that.
Wilmington and a new business and a surfboard.

Carolina Beach and wilmington.
I want to get out of these dorms

I want him to make sense.

I want to disappear.

Why cant I? Why cant i..........





algjlajgl;dgjladjgldfjgkldfjgdfgjidfljgfdlgjFUCK.

5 4 3 2 1


I am giving myself up for a boy.
not sexually. but i know I am mentally and I am 98% sure im setting myself up for failure


why? Why do people put themselves through this shit? I think I am reminding myself of emotions. and sensitivity.
I need to be more sensitive. less defensive.

I want to be approachable.


my roommate said I reminded of her of the dark one from the craft.
I hate that. I dont want to be that "dark person" the unapproachable one. Her words of advice was "just dont kill people"
really

REALLY

am I that shitty?
maybe I am. I just am tired of being alone. =\.

someone strike me down and flood my body with free intoxications. dig me deeper into the gallows and leave me to the crows.
its a cold 11 degrees outside and my heart is about to be broken.


cheers.